Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Without Fail…

I came up with a theory awhile back that any relationship I have ends within 3 months of going on a vacation. This is based upon years of empirical evidence and several breakups. It’s not like the Super Bowl winner prediction of the stock market or Presidential election… This is 100% accurate. It always ends within 3 months.

Now, I have come to another conclusion based upon further empirical evidence: my relationships end within 3 months of acquiring a domestic animal. Now, I haven’t encountered this too much, but I do have three dogs (so that tells you something :-P)

The latest relationship ended nearly 3 months to the date from the time of our first (and only) vacation. It ended within a couple of months of getting her a kitten. The relationship before that ended within 3 months of our first (of only two) vacation, and it ended within 2 months of getting the world’s worst dog!

So, I think I have it figured out for how to not waste another 1.5 years of my life… After 3 months, I’ll have to go on vacation and get a pet! Any ladies interested in Peru and a Llama???

There is the world we live in and then there is our perception of that world. At times, they are at odds with one another or don’t necessarily agree. This happens often in romantic relationships. We create images in our brains of the person we are in a relationship with that can be vastly different from reality. The person we perceive to be kind, generous, genuine, loyal, truthful, caring, and supportive might be those things but not with you.

It’s not to say that romantic relationships are, by nature, bad. There is just a higher probability of a cloudy image to take hold when love is involved. Someone who is possibly an endearing match might very well not be who they appear to be.

Inevitably there comes that moment when you realize that the person you have been dating or were dating isn’t what you had in your head. I’m pretty sure that for most of us, the reaction to that moment is one of nausea, sadness, upset, disappointment… Something negative. However, once you peel back everything and really examine where you are in life (where you are with that person), you are left with a sense of gratitude.

Be thankful that you discovered who that person is, what that person brought out of you, the emotions, the experiences of life! Most importantly, be thankful that you now see that person for who they truly are and what their priorities actually are. This way when they communicate with you, you can actually get their entire communication instead of what you want to hear from the person you thought they were.

Then you can move on with your life and enjoy it the way that life is meant to be enjoyed! Obviously easier said than done when you’re in the midst of a romantic relationship or the end of one.

Every once in awhile, I have an epiphany that truly changes my life forever. Perhaps the biggest is when I truly realized that my life is as meaningful or meaningless as I choose to make it. I just had an epiphany about my recently getting dumped experience that has really shed some light on the entire situation.

Last Sunday, I had “the conversation”. It wasn’t completely a blindside. I was expecting to have a conversation along the lines of, “where do you think this relationship is going?” Instead, it was the conversation along the lines of, “this relationship isn’t going where I want it to go and it just doesn’t feel right, right now.” It wasn’t an open conversation about what may or may not be going on with the future of the relationship. It was purely getting dumped. It did have perhaps the best version of “it’s not you it’s me” I’ve heard to date: “On paper, you are the perfect guy, but it just doesn’t feel right.”

Now, to be sure, I really do love this woman. I care about her deeply and truly want the best for her. That doesn’t take away the sting of a straight up dumping conversation, but I also realize that most of that sting comes from the expectation I had that the conversation would have been a conversation about improving the relationship and finding out what can be done to stay happy together. But if a relationship is not right for someone, it’s not right. Time for them to move on. (Not that I felt that way in the moment, it took a few days to get there)

A few emails and days later, I received an email from her that used the wording “right now” five different times. While reading the email, I really couldn’t help but notice “right now” was being used so often. Being a word nut and writing nut, I notice patterns in writing fairly quickly (at least I’d like to think I do). The email included eight sentences and the phrase “right now” five different times.

I’ve seen this before… I’ve heard this before… Where??? Epiphany time! I was sitting in her house watching the “Hooked” episode of “How I Met Your Mother”. I thought the episode was rather silly and asked her if she ever used the “right now” hook. She admitted that she did, and I believe she asked me if I had ever used it before (which I have). I’ve been finding humor in the breakup ever since… At least that’s how I feel right now 😛

Choosy people have checklists for everything, especially when it comes to their partners. At one point in my life my checklist made it onto an Excel spreadsheet (which I have since “lost”). I designed it so that I wouldn’t compromise on my choices in women. Some would have called it picky. I like to think of it as keeping me grounded.

It was separated into physical attributes, personality traits, and sexual attributes. No, physical and sexual attributes are not the same. Sexual attributes are a hybrid of physical and personality. So, I had to keep them separate. This was important because certain physical attributes aren’t anywhere near as important as certain personality traits. Each attribute also had an importance factor for it.

Yes, this spreadsheet might sound like it was getting a bit complex and neurotic. It was an exercise in both my Excel formulas skills and my pickiness. It was drummed up after a relationship that left me thinking: WTF was I thinking???

Items would include the norms: eye color and shape, hair color and length… dear God the teeth!!! Let’s not forget the need for their not to be a snaggle tooth!!!

I’ll digress for a moment…

Years back I was going on a date with a woman who I had seen pictures of. You gotta love online dating. It’s like shopping through a catalog. She was a great looking woman. Long black hair, beautiful eyes, sweet face… I setup the date to meet at Dakota’s Steakhouse (when it was upon on the hill in Simi Valley – yes, this was a long time ago). As I was walking up to her, I did the usual undress her with my eyes… I mean, checked her out. She had a beautiful body. She was much more beautiful in person. She smiled, and she had a cute smile… until I got closer! She had Bug Bunny teeth!!!

This isn’t quite the same as a snaggle tooth, but the effect was the same… I tried to erase it from my memory. I tried to eat dinner without thinking about her eating carrots. I tried not to be charming and make her smile, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. She smiled a lot during that dinner… I kept telling myself that perhaps I could just seek therapy regarding my irrational fear about women with Bugs Bunny teeth! For all intents and purposes, she was the perfect woman! I kept thinking that she had a very solid head on her shoulders (that thought was followed immediately by, “She’d have to in order to keep those teeth in tact”). It was horrible! I just couldn’t get passed it 😦

The date was going really well! She told me she really wanted to go back to my place and meet my dogs. I thought my dogs might chase after her because they’d mistake her for a rabbit! It was very difficult. Here I was with the perfect woman wondering if there was some way that I could find an emergency dentist to file down her Bug Bunny teeth. Besides the Bugs Bunny teeth, I hadn’t found any other flaw. She was a near-perfect woman, so I said yes to going back to my place.

Now, I should pause her for a second… This was years ago that I had this issue with Bugs Bunny teeth. I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of humans with rabbit feet, just like I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of people with over-sized heads!

At this point in my life, I had never had a woman back to my place on the first date. No one night stands or even one night stands that you turn into a relationship just so you don’t feel guilty about having a one night stand. With this girl, I’d picture it in my head and then see a rabbit hopping through the forest. Little Bunny Foo Foo kept ruining this dream girl…

She got to meet my dogs. They liked her, she liked them. We were chatting about all sorts of topics and having a great time. I tried to no avail to keep the thoughts of her Bug Bunny teeth out of my mind. I’d say something witty or charming, and she’d smile. Now, mind you, her smile was beautiful from the lips perspective. Didn’t show any gums, nice corners that curled up when she smiled. Full bottom lip. The corners of her eyes would curl up slightly when she smiled really big… And when she smiled big, it was big… Big Bugs Bunny teeth!!!

I couldn’t make it beyond the teeth!

Needless to say, Bunnygirl and I parted ways that evening with no more than a hug goodnight and “No Bugs Bunny teeth” was a very important physical attribute that made it onto my list.

Getting back to the spreadsheet…

Over the years other important attributes made it onto the spreadsheet: not being on mental medication, career-focused, ability to balance a checkbook, and dozens more. I kept the spreadsheet updated with new attributes and new women. It made the evaluation process really simple. If I was able to fill out a new prospect’s column on the spreadsheet after a couple of dates and she didn’t score about a certain amount, it was time to call it off. It was a very pragmatic process which lead to a couple of years of being single.

Then I realized something very important! I thought the scoring provided me with an objective perspective about any given woman so that I wouldn’t “fall” for someone who wasn’t ideal. In a way it had. It also made sure that I wasn’t ideal for anyone else. For someone to try to live up to such massive scrutiny was impossible (except for the Bug Bunny girl who retroactively scored perfect except for the whole teeth thing)! So, I deleted the spreadsheet and moved on with my life. Two weeks later a woman who would have scored perfectly on the spreadsheet showed up in my life. No Bug Bunny teeth either!

When that relationship failed, I couldn’t help but chuckle about how ridiculous my spreadsheet was. In the end, the “perfect” woman wasn’t for me. It’s kinda like a football team that’s good on paper but still loses the championship game…

It’s pretty simply why I don’t have a girlfriend: I don’t date girls, only women and ladies. Girls are for boys in their teens and early 20s. That’s not me. I tried having a girlfriend or two when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, but it just wasn’t much of a good match. Sure, the gender is the same for a girl, woman, and lady. However, there is a noticeable difference when you have a special lady vs a girlfriend.

Now, Urban Dictionary has incorrectly defined Special Lady Friend as:

A person whom you are dating exclusively, but who has not yet been elevated to “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” status

However, this definition is definitely way off the mark. One need only observe the words of “The Dude” to understand the true meaning of a Special Lady Friend. When The Dude confronts Da Fino about following him, The Dude tells Da Fino to “stay away from my fucking lady friend.” Da Fino responsed to The Dude by stating that he’s “not messing with your Special Lady”. To which The Dude responds, “She’s not my special lady, she’s my fucking lady friend.”

It’s pretty clear from His Dudeness that Special Lady certainly refers to something much more than someone you are dating exclusively but not elevated to “girlfriend” status. A Special Lady is something a whole lot more. In fact, you can help a lady friend (sound similar to girlfriend) conceive and she still isn’t on the same level as a Special Lady.

That’s a bit of a digression on my part, but the point I’m trying to make is that I’ll take a Lady/Woman over a girl any day. I guess that’s why I like my women older

I hear all kinds of stories about people “knowing” when they meet “the one”. I’ve blogged and tweeted my fingers off about “the one”. To sum it up: I’ve met “the one”… at least half a dozen times 😛

But what happens when you really do meet “the one”? Butterflies? Dizzy feeling? Loss for words? I suppose. Or that could be the result of a massive rage of hormones that suddenly confuse the brain, sending signals to the rest of your body that the rest of your body just doesn’t quite understand what to do. I’m not buying the generally accepted symptoms of meeting “the one”. At least, not for me…

Of course, as I type that last sentence, I think back to my three dogs. I knew each of my three dogs would be mine the very moment that I saw them. The Lab, as much as I don’t want to admit it, was really cute. She was the world’s worst puppy until I got the Weimaraner. Actually, I take that back… The Weimaraner is the greatest dog to ever exist! Super loyal, easily trainable, and goofy as you could ever want in a dog. The Aussie Shepard though… I knew the second I saw her that I was going to get suckered into taking her home. She is a horrible puppy. Easily twice as destructive as the Lab. And by horrible, I mean she’s just about the most adorable, loving puppy to eat an entire sofa!

What does any of that have to do with “the one”? More importantly, what does any of this have to do with the title for this blog???

One thing I’ve noticed is that when things are going my way, I’m having a rough day at the office, or something just isn’t quite going how I expected it (got blindsided by something), I lean on my companions: mostly my dogs. I have friends and family I’ll talk to about the stuff that isn’t bothering me to clear my head. If it’s really getting to me, I’ll talk with said friends and family about what’s going on to get myself clear. It works wonders! But often times I can clear myself pretty easily just by sitting in my backyard with my dogs, playing ball. That’s when things are going not so great.

When things are great, my dogs see me much less. I spend more time out of my house. I spend more time traveling, going out, with other people, other dogs… My dogs get much less of my time. So, this got me thinking about my intimate relationships. I see a very similar pattern in my level of attraction to someone I’m dating. When things aren’t going as well, I usually think about the woman I’m dating a bit more to help distract myself from what is troubling me. It’s another form of clearing for me, and it leads to finding myself more attracted to that person if they are indeed someone who provides that clearing for me when I’ve got something that’s troubling me. I have dated women who don’t provide that clearing. They weren’t that distraction that I needed. Those relationships rarely lasted much more than 6-9 months.

So, I’ve stated thinking about how much I’m truly attracted to a woman based upon how much I want to be around her when things are going great. I looked back on the last several relationships and found an interesting trend: when things are going great, I find myself much less attracted to most of the women I have dated. And I noticed something even more interesting. For the couple of women who weren’t ones I would really want to spend time with to help clear my head, I found myself wanting to spend less and less time with them when things weren’t going so well and even less time with them when things were going great! So, it leaves me with this question: Do I want her when things are great???

I’ve known a few gold diggers in my day. I even know a few women who have tried dating men with a lot of money just because they could and wanted to see if it really was any better than dating an average income guy. However, this isn’t what I’m talking about in this blog.

This is also a little different from a woman who supports her man’s ambitions. This is a woman who is genuinely turned on when she talks to her husband about the business deal he’s been working so hard to close or even the promotion he’s been vying for. This is about a woman who appreciates a man who is driven, and man who wants more and more in his short life. I believe that a truly successful man should want to date and/or marry a woman who is attracted to his success.

I should note that success does not require one to have a six figure income. Success is quite relative. A man may not have a high income, but he can still be successful. There are job careers that just don’t pay as high as others. That doesn’t make a CEO of a multi-billion dollar company more successful than the manager or owner of a local business. Unless the local business owner really wants to be the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. The local business owner can be quite successful just with his local business, and he is best off with a woman who is turned on by his local business success. When he comes home from a long day at the office or shop, she’ll be turned on by the fact that he’s succeeding locally.

I know women like this as well. I know some women who aren’t like this at all. They don’t mind dating a successful guy, but it doesn’t turn them on. They’ll say things like “he could wear jeans and a t-shirt as long as he treats me well”. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I’m heading for the hills when I hear a woman say that about me! To me, it is such a turnoff when a woman says something like that. I’d like to consider myself driven. Most people who know me would agree. It is such a part of the very fiber of my being that I’m very attracted to a woman who is turned on by my drive for success and completely turned off by a woman who is indifferent about it.

Don’t get me wrong. They are still great women. Those who I’ve dated in the past who were not attracted to success are wonderful women who would be a great catch… for someone else.

I’m Over It

Perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me in my life was to have my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, and stomped on by my last girlfriend of more than five years. It was a relationship with perhaps the most jealous woman I have ever known who never excepted me for who I am and wouldn’t believe in who I want to become. It was a relationship where I wanted to believe so much in the way she wanted me to relate to her. I loved her through more than she will even acknowledge me for, and that is ok. I would rather have loved her as much as I did and have my heart torn out than pretend she meant nothing to me.

I wrote a poem about her awhile back when everything was fresh in my mind and posted it on my blog here. The following is another poem I wrote during the height of my hate for her. Now, I’m over it.

Kiss my ass goodbye
If you die
I won’t cry
Nothing but hate inside
for your bullshit lies
your fake disguise

If I had to choose
between your funeral
or picking up my dogs’ shit
I’d miss your burial
not even put it on my to do list

To everyone else
you are the sweetest
but with me you were a terrorist

Like I was addicted to you
like a drug, sniffing glue
the whole time I knew
there’s one thing I should do
put on my shoes
and walk out on you

But I believed in something else
It wasn’t about myself
I felt
I was dealt
a gift, a treasure
it was always my pleasure
but there was no way for me to measure
up to your standard
Instead I’d just stand there
wondering what had just hit me
you walked out and didn’t even miss me
fuck that, you even dissed me

Telling me I didn’t deserve even one friend
Best friend met his end
cuz I suck
and didn’t give a fuck
Can’t run through that list
you said some fucked up shit

That night you killed me
I’m dead to you
I’ll never head to you
lay in your bed with you
instead to you
I’m a ghost
the host with the most
hate for you
I’ll grate on you
You’ll feel my hate for you
I’ll never mistake you
for someone I love
But I’ll rub
my disgust for you
write it on a transit bus for you
Let the whole world know my mistrust for you

I hate you like I loved you for years
There aren’t even tears
when I think about you
all I do is doubt you
I wonder if the last five years was even real
How did I get myself into this whole ordeal?
How can a bitch puke her whole life on me
and then just leave
There’s no reprieve
I’ve got nothing up my sleeve
to deal with your toxic waste
I can’t get the taste
of your bitter lips out of my mouth

I know I won’t hate you forever
I just need to go on this endeavor
and know what it feels like to hate you for a while
I’m sure one day I will smile
looking back on the five years we had
and be glad
that that I’m no longer mad
I’ll think fond of you
stop thinking wrong of you
maybe even write a love song of you
but until then I just want to hate you

The best thing about this woman is that I didn’t ask for her. I didn’t write a list of what I wanted and then use the “law of attraction” to bring her into my life. I didn’t pray to God that I would have someone like this in my life. I simply showed up in life and she was there, unexpectedly.

Whether this list gets any longer is of no concern. To have met someone I shared the following moments with is more than gratifying 😀

In-n-Out has never tasted as good as the first time we kissed. She was the sweetest thing to take me to the airport for my business trip to China. I didn’t think about her too much while traveling abroad until I got sick in Hong Kong. She was also picking me up when I was supposed to return, but I had to postpone my trip back home. It was then that my niece and nephew (who live in Hong Kong with my brother and his wife) kept prodding me to start dating her. They both really liked her from her Facebook profile. Gotta love the social networks!

Returning home from China felt so much better once I had her in my arms. She is beautiful in every way. I completely adore her smile, and seeing her for the first time after a 10 day trip to China was nothing less than heart warming.

Dipping my toes in the other side of the Pacific with her. Back in beautiful Southern California, we headed to the beach where we got to watch the sunrise. She is a beautiful sight in the morning!

While the cat’s away, the mice will BBQ. She went on a week and a half long family vacation, and I threw my first BBQ in several years. We both had a great time while we were apart, and it was again so enjoyable to have her back in my arms when she returned.

Late night French Toast… Doesn’t seem like it would be that big of a deal, but I had to blog about it.

The Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa, followed by pier time trickery. Not much funnier than helping a drunk guy squeeze through the bars of a gate on the pier and then walking away to watch him try to figure out how to get back through the bars… We eventually went back to help him after a nice long chuckle 😀

Orange County Super Fair, not once but twice! First time, just the two of us. Second time, nephew + Sister, and a couple of old friends.

Taking her to a gay bar with my gay buddy. This is definitely a great way to get your girl all over you LOL

Double dipping with some west coast swing dance until midnight and salsa until 2 in the morning, followed by the crazy foreigner at Denny’s reading horoscopes to fellow patrons.

Sand crabs!!!

She’s sweeter than Strawberry and Cream Cheese Stuffed French Toast!

Traveling to Florida on business while she’s playing with her friends in Las Vegas. I think she’s been to Vegas more than I’ve been to the bathroom 😛 It was so nice to talk with her each evening I was in FL. Much like my business trip to China, she was the last person I saw when leaving and the first person I saw when coming back. I still remember seeing her toes while I was coming down the escalator. The second I saw them, I was smiling from ear-to-ear 😀

Out with my little brother, completely inebriated… She thought I was really funny, which I usually am when I’ve had that much to drink. Somethings I can’t remember, but thinking about her is definitely not something I forgot. She was on my mind all night long.

Taking her to Magic Mountain for the first time and not having to wait in any lines. The look on her face after going on Tatsu was priceless! Sitting down with Supergirl and Batman capes for one of those fair games they have. Well, there was one line for Riddler’s Revenge, but they were playing club music, so we got to dance instead of wait in line 😀

Woke up missing a lost friend of 20 years
So hard to hold back the tears
and then I think of her
the softness of her word
and everything is alright

Her breath brings me to my knees
Everything I wish to please
Her soft tender soul
Speaks to mine, I’m told
She has a hold
on my heart
and everything is alright

My vision becomes futuristic
How did I ever wish this
woman into existence
She just seems unreal
her undeniable appeal
Has me feeling surreal
because everything is alright