Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Whistler's Crasher Squirrel

Whistler's Crasher Squirrel

There are several ways to know that your relationship with a woman is over. Usually, their toothbrush might disappear from your bathroom. The tampons will disappear. Dishes will begin to pile up in the sink. House plants will start dying. There are so many signs she’s no longer there. However, there is nothing more damming than the missing flip off frog!

When my last girlfriend left, she took back most of the gifts she gave me during the years of dating. The comforter set she bought me for my birthday three years ago was probably the biggest thing that she took back. However, I was shocked when I went to water my house plant. She brought me one of those vine plant things. I think they are spider vines. I’m not really sure. Anyway, there used to be this frog in the planter that was sticking up its middle finger. When I poured the water in, the frog was missing! She took the flip off frog! I couldn’t believe it! Of all the things to take… Oh well, it suites her.

I received a priceless gem of SPAM that I just had to share… I’ve highlighted some of my favorite parts 😛

Subject: 48 HOURS NOTICE!…………..20-01-2009

ANTI TERRORIST &  MONITORY CRIME DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON , D.C.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, NW WASHINGTON , D.C. 20535-0001

Dear Fund Beneficiary,
Some time ago, your Nigeria friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached you and requested you assist them conclude a money transfer deal they had with you, they requested you to assist them by removing the original contractors name, from the bank vetting computer and replacing them with your name and your details in order to make you appear as the rightful beneficiary of this funds. you agreed and they said you will share the money with them as soon as your name appears as the beneficiary.

So this is just a clue to show you that we are very investigative and have all details to persecute you, but we shall give you the opportunity to receive the funds and make it clean, since it is coming into our dear country, but if you do not co-operate then we shall take negative actions. I couldn’t really think of any better way than bold, underlined, blue text to express how funny this last… well… sentence(s) is/are.

Maybe you think, that we are joking , but by the time we start taking actions you would know how serious we are, you do not have his document in your files, if you did the account would not have been freeze. We did not believe this at first, but when we saw the wire we had no option than to contact you. It has come to the attention of our Money Trafficking investigation department, that you have some funds valued at Millions of dollas to your name , The said payment is awaiting adjudication and credited to your name this funds are from Inheritance ‘willed ‘to you from Nigeria C.B.N precisely. Ok… I really can’t stop laughing at this point. This last paragraph/set of run on sentences is just friggin HILARIOUS!!!

With full concern of The F.B.I and the Internal Revenue Service(IRS) wish to remind you of the consequences of remitting such huge sums of money without complying fully with the provisions of the Financial and Allied Matters Decree 5 as amended in sub-section C(6) of 2003, which stipulates that any monitory transaction been done in the United States Of America, must have proper records , which dually guarantees and covers the transaction as legitimate and legally acquired and not criminally or terrorist associated funds. This is due to ongoing terrorist activities/economic crimes on and against the United States of America citizens.

You are under an observational /Investigation in connection with money laundering.

If your funds comes from a legitimate and legal source ,the proper guidelines for you to recover the right of transaction is for you to provide the DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER (DIST) so that your funds will be legally processed and recorded and accounted for and then finally released to you .

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONEY LAUNDERING DEPARTMENT) IS HERE to wipe out terrorism, and will stop at no length in doing our duty for the American people.

You have 48 hours to produce legal proof of the below frozen wired transaction number coded: 3456711 owned by you , You do not have any rights to receive this funds if the documented legal wire information is not complete. The very heart of FBI operations lies in our investigations–which serve, as our mission states, ‘to protect and defend the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats and to enforce the criminal laws of the United States .’ We currently have jurisdiction over violations of more than 200 categories of federal law. So you can see that they can track you down through Investigative programs. We have your address and the evidence and status of your wired funds, so we can arrest you anytime.

Note, the funds are very legal and from a good source, so as a matter of National interest you have to provide the documents to certify the money as clean funds. The funds are in the Bank of America right now, and will be released to you as soon as this document is procured, even if you do not want the funds you still have to obtain the documents to clear your name as, the funds are already here, so the decision is yours.   If you have the document then forward it to us immediately, if you do not have the documents then contact us immediately so that we can advice you on what it will take and where to obtain the documents.

Note: that you have just 48 hours to complete this process of national interest.

NOTE: If you failure to produce the above requirement in the next 48 hours, legal action will be taken immediately from our office

Sincerely,
Yours in Service
Joseph Persichini Jr., assistant director
Federal  Bureau Of Investigations

CONFIDENTIAL NOTICE: This E-MAIL may contain information that is privileged, confidential, and exempt from disclosure under applicable law. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution, copying, or use of this document is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify us by email at the e-mail listed above to arrange for the destruction or return of the original document to us. Thank you

© 2008 Federal Bureau Of Investigations All Rights Reserved

Apparently, the FBI cannot afford spell and grammar checkers 😛

I have a new idea for a business that is going to make a killing, but I need some investors to get things started. First, we need to hire tens of thousands of people. I’m thinking at least 30,000 people. We’re only going to pay them minimum wage, so we’ll be able to keep costs down. We also need to spend millions of dollars on advertising and make sure we are purchasing materials and services from hundreds of vendors in America.

You might be asking yourself, “What are we going to make?”

That’s the great part! We aren’t going to even make anything! We’ll probably just have each employee purchase a lottery ticket in the states where they are employed. The employees will get to play pool, foosball, air hockey, and basketball while on the job. We’ll have a corporate jet to fly us around. Corporate cars. We’ll have all the amenities necessary to run a large corporation.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “How will I recover my investment?”

By employing so many people and working with so many vendors, us going out of business will cause such a massive “ripple effect” that the federal government will just have to bail us out. We’ll fly to Washington in our private jet and ask them for maybe… I don’t know… Maybe $25 billion. That’s a small price for people to pay for preventing a massive economic meldown, right?

I LOVE IT!!! The most read news source in America has a common misuse of to, two, and tooooooo right on their homepage!

CNN toooo close to call

I got a good chuckle over the latest finding that <a href=”http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/10/palin.investigation/index.html”>Palin abused her powers as Alaskan governor</a>. Now, if we could just get someone to look into Dick Cheney. If there is any anti-Clintonian out there who votes for McPalin, the American people should collectively get to kick you in the crotch!

So, I’m sitting there doing a search for pearl necklaces on Google. Perhaps I should have qualified it with Jewelry! Check out the suggested search term from Google: Donkey Punch. Good thing they didn’t suggest the Atomic Donkey Punch!

Google Suggests the Donkey Punch over a Pearl Necklace LOL

Google Suggests the Donkey Punch over a Pearl Necklace LOL

Famed puppy killer, David Motari, got a job working as a New York Street Sweeper and was put to work immediately. Unfortunately, he was back to his puppy killing ways as he sucked up a puppy into the street sweeper, killing it, and then driving another 2 1/2 blocks before stopping.

My dog still wants to know if he can has cheezburger?

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Kobe Bryant and Laker fans will say that it was inevitable from the beginning of the season. They just might be right. Looking back at the season and the players, the youthful Lakers might not be what one would expect to see in the NBA finals. Outside of Kobe and Fisher there really isn’t massive experience on the Lakers bench. Unless you consider Phil Jackson (one of the greatest coaches of the game). This is the first year since he got to Los Angeles that Jackson hasn’t been getting hyped, and perhaps that allowed him to relax a little an Zen up the Lakers.

The Lakers are back in the NBA Finals to face… likely the Boston Celtics in an old-school NBA Finals. It seems like everything is going 80s retro these days, so why not the NBA. While I certainly can do without the music of the 80s, I’m very interested in an 80s style NBA Finals. I’m sure there are going to be cries in Boston of “Beat LA” during game 7 (Yes, Detroit is likely taking this one back to Boston).

It’s going to be classic East Coast v West Coast. Biggie v Tupac. Uptight Bostonians v stoned Angelians. Clam Chowder v Avocado Salads. William Shatner v Jack Nicholson. Expect sales to go down at Boston Markets across Southern California.