Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I’ve got a new Hollywood diet idea! It came to me as I’m lying here in bed for the second day in a row with a cold. I managed to get this cold just a couple of days after getting a flu, so I’ve been sick 4 days out of the last 7. There is one tremendous upside though. I’ve never been in better shape! I’ve lost 5 lbs and practically have a six pack now!

So, here is my Hollywood diet idea: Inject people with live flu cultures. They’ll get sick and shed weight like crazy. Between the diarrhea (colon cleanse), coughing and sneezing (great core workout), and dehydration (helps you look more chiseled), this diet technique will quickly become a major trend in Hollywood. Plus! when we are sick, we usually lose our appetite. It’s a natural appetite suppressant! And when you run a 101 degree fever, your body really burns calories! Who needs diet pills when you’ve gone swine flu!!!

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I’ve got an Easy Button on my desk at work, and I think I might just need to upgrade soon:

They even have something to help make sure people can avoid your gassidents (gas accidents):

Fart Alert Barricade

I was sitting there watching Fox News the other day. They had the Republican candidates on, discussing various political issues. It was the first time I had really spent paying any attention to presidential politics so far this campaign. As I’m watching Mitt Romney, there is an unsettling feeling starting to well up in my stomach.

It suddenly hit me. Remember this movie?
Greg Stillson

That is a still of Greg Stillson from the 1983 film based upon the Stephen King book, The Dead Zone. And that is what got me thinking about a certain candidate from New England.
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In a stark blow to the Holy Roman Catholic Church, experts in Internet technology have concluded that the World is not the center of the World Wide Web. In fact, scientists now suggest that Sun is the center of the Internet! Experts were also quick to announce that MySQL was not going to hire Bill Parcels as the General Manager.

I wonder if all of this is going to mean that my GoDaddy PHP sites are going to run a little faster now!

Dolphin TunaThe city of Miami has thrown it’s support towards Tuna with Dolphin starting the 19th of December. Just before the most horrible fishing season in Miami history ends, local fisherman Wayne Huizenga finds himself catching the biggest tuna of all. “Let the feast begin,” said Huizenga after nabbing The Tuna.

Many environmetalists are outraged that the Dolphins of Miami, Florida are no longer safe from The Tuna catchers. A meeting of several environmentalist groups provided insight into how the groups were planning to protect the dolphins from The Tuna slaughter. “We’ve devised a method by which we will strap protective helmets to the heads of the DolphinsDolphin in order to protect them from the impending attack of The Tuna.” They even provided an illustration of what these protective devises might look like. Some say it might be too late from the one Dolphin known as Cam, but groups are watching intently to see how things unfold in this delicate environmental battle.

Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball would remain a illegitimate sport by rewarding steroid users with trophies titles and records. He stated that unlike other professional sports that strip athletes of their wins and records even years after they accomplished them, Major League Baseball would not join the realm of legitimate sports. “We made too much money from this, and will be teaming up with the WWE to provide even greater entertainment and record breaking headlines. You never know.”

Commissioner Selig also announced a plan to honor the rampant use of steroids in baseball over the last decade. The 2008 season will mark a shrinkage in the ball size in baseball. The decision to reduce the bat has not been made yet, but Bud Selig announced, “Ball shrinkage is the best way we can think of to honor steroids monetary gift to Major League Baseball.”

Fearing riots from upset Raiders fans after the Oakland Raiders lost to the San Diego Chargers 28-14, California Governator Ahnuld Schwarzenegger declared a “State of Emergency” on Sunday. Well known for burning cars, smashing windows, and steeling booty, Raiders fans were closely watched from San Diego to Northern California.

Los Angeles was a particular location of interest as investigators are looking into whether the Interstate 5 big rig pileup and explosion was possibly caused by disgruntled Raiders fans trying to make it to San Diego in time for the game. The investigation continues.

After suffering from a near NFL record of 12 sacks in a single game, the State of Pennsylvania forced Donovan McNabb of the Philadelphia Eagles to change his name to Mr. Potato. “I’ve only had to worry about my own sack. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to worry about 12 sacks,” exclaimed Donovan’s new Neighbor Mr. Potato. The US Postal Service is having a few problems with the new Philadelphia neighbors. Having Mr. Potato next to Mr. Potatohead has caused a bit of confusion with the mail delivery, prompting Mr. Potato (the athlete formerly known as Donovan McNabb) to mistakingly cancel Mr. Potatohead’s subscriptions to Hotcakes and Round & Brown: Idaho Style.