Posts Tagged ‘ex-girlfriend’

I’m Over It

Perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me in my life was to have my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, and stomped on by my last girlfriend of more than five years. It was a relationship with perhaps the most jealous woman I have ever known who never excepted me for who I am and wouldn’t believe in who I want to become. It was a relationship where I wanted to believe so much in the way she wanted me to relate to her. I loved her through more than she will even acknowledge me for, and that is ok. I would rather have loved her as much as I did and have my heart torn out than pretend she meant nothing to me.

I wrote a poem about her awhile back when everything was fresh in my mind and posted it on my blog here. The following is another poem I wrote during the height of my hate for her. Now, I’m over it.

Kiss my ass goodbye
If you die
I won’t cry
Nothing but hate inside
for your bullshit lies
your fake disguise

If I had to choose
between your funeral
or picking up my dogs’ shit
I’d miss your burial
not even put it on my to do list

To everyone else
you are the sweetest
but with me you were a terrorist

Like I was addicted to you
like a drug, sniffing glue
the whole time I knew
there’s one thing I should do
put on my shoes
and walk out on you

But I believed in something else
It wasn’t about myself
I felt
I was dealt
a gift, a treasure
it was always my pleasure
but there was no way for me to measure
up to your standard
Instead I’d just stand there
wondering what had just hit me
you walked out and didn’t even miss me
fuck that, you even dissed me

Telling me I didn’t deserve even one friend
Best friend met his end
cuz I suck
and didn’t give a fuck
Can’t run through that list
you said some fucked up shit

That night you killed me
I’m dead to you
I’ll never head to you
lay in your bed with you
instead to you
I’m a ghost
the host with the most
hate for you
I’ll grate on you
You’ll feel my hate for you
I’ll never mistake you
for someone I love
But I’ll rub
my disgust for you
write it on a transit bus for you
Let the whole world know my mistrust for you

I hate you like I loved you for years
There aren’t even tears
when I think about you
all I do is doubt you
I wonder if the last five years was even real
How did I get myself into this whole ordeal?
How can a bitch puke her whole life on me
and then just leave
There’s no reprieve
I’ve got nothing up my sleeve
to deal with your toxic waste
I can’t get the taste
of your bitter lips out of my mouth

I know I won’t hate you forever
I just need to go on this endeavor
and know what it feels like to hate you for a while
I’m sure one day I will smile
looking back on the five years we had
and be glad
that that I’m no longer mad
I’ll think fond of you
stop thinking wrong of you
maybe even write a love song of you
but until then I just want to hate you

I’ve gone through my fair share of breakups, but nothing has compared to the most recent split. Five and a half years of being with someone, I grew to have certain expectations of my girlfriend. By far, the biggest expectation I had was that in the unlikely event that I ever had a difficult moment in my life to deal with… Well, I expected her to be there. The night I found out my friend Rich killed himself, she was exactly what I needed. I couldn’t have asked for more during that evening. Ten days later, she was telling me that I was such a horrible friend that it was no wonder Rich killed himself.

It’s been a rough road for me since then, but I realize something about getting over someone after a breakup. It comes directly from the science around how we relate memories to sounds and smells. I’ve come to the conclusion that the time it takes to get over someone corelates to the time the songs that remind you of them remain on the radio.

We have our songs that remind us of that special someone. In many cases, those songs will always remind us of that person. The best example I can think of is Sting’s “Fields of Gold”. It has always reminded me of my high school girlfriend. I rarely hear it on the radio, but when I do it brings back fond memories.

When I first split with my last girlfriend, just about every song on the radio reminded me of her. I’ll admit that “Gives You Hell” and “Heartless” are the top two that remind me of her the most. “Gives You Hell” is still in the top 10, so it gets a lot of airtime, but I’ve started to notice that Heartless is getting much less play these days (even with The Fray’s cover). Granted, I’ve gone through my own healing process over the last few months, but not having to hear songs that constantly remind me of her helps quite a bit.

Now, for people who listen only to classic rock and oldies who have songs that remind you of someone… You just might not ever get over your ex 😦

It seemed odd at first. I had these strange feelings towards my ex-girlfriend after she told me that my best friend killed himself because of me. They were very foreign to me.

Generally speaking, I wish nothing but the best for everyone I meet. I wholeheartedly hope that everyone acheives their dreams in life. I don’t think there could ever be enough I could do for other people to make the world a better place. Despite all this altruism flowing through me, I am still human.

Something I had never experienced before was hating someone. Sure, there were times when I “hated” doing something… Times when I “hated” going to work or school or talking to someone. However, I never actually hated another human being. Despite my childhood that was filled with every type of abuse, I never hated my parents or my family or the people around me. I certainly had moments of anger mangement, no doubt about it.

Even when I was younger, if I was upset with someone I would try to figure things out in my head. I have always tried to figure out why I feel the way I do about other people, especially when my feelings are negative towards someone else. If I found myself not liking someone very much, I would usually look to the inside to understand why I didn’t like that person.

So, it was a bit of a surprise a few weeks ago when a friend of mine told me that it sounded like I hated my ex-girlfriend. I was certainly not liking my ex much, but I didn’t think I hated her. I thought about it over the next few days and started to realize that I really did hate her. I couldn’t believe it. However, she really did make it easy to hate her. She told me that my best friend of nearly 20 years killed himself because of me, that I didn’t deserve to be happy and didn’t deserver the enjoyable life I have. Then she turned around and tagged me as an asshole on Facebook (yes, I’m a bit lame for taking that serious :-P), but to top it off, she started to date someone else a few weeks after she said all of that to me and has been very open about showing large quantities of PDA (which she didn’t do with me). Oh well.

I was actually happy to finally distinguish that I hate someone. A friend of mine told me that it reminded her of the scene from “Enchanted” when the princess realized that she was mad and got excited about being mad.

I’ve been really happy about hating my ex-girlfriend. I’m starting to get passed it now. Sometimes it has felt weird to be happy to hate someone, but she has never made hating someone so easy 😛

I’ve got this sweet addiction
more like a conviction
I Spent five years to life
most of it wishin
there was more than her bitchin

But man she fucked so good
panties off and there he stood
my soldier wearin his hood
Dive right in
the taste of her skin
The original sin

I’m going straight to hell
getting her to yell
my name
was the game
She’s insane
and I loved it
she sucked it
I fucked it
we trusted
there was more to our relationship
but in the end that was just it

Go to the movies
and fuck

Go to the beach
Let’s fuck

Go to the studio
Let’s fuck

Go to my place
Let’s fuck

Go to her place
and fuck
and it’s just my luck
that she wanted more
didn’t want to be just an easy score
And I wondered what for
it was the perfect setup
I’d get on my getup
and tear it up
my room, my kitchen
Everywhere I’d be slippin
up inside her
I never denied her
the sun or the moon or the stars
You name it
I’d blame it
on my addiction
she’s a vixen
call my name, I can’t help it

And that’s really all I wanted
She knew it and flaunted
her assets, I’m haunted
by everything that I wanted
Those curves
so superb
I deserve
one last taste
so make haste
don’t debate

I need her sweet nectar
and then I’ll deflect her
cuz the rest of her was nothing to me
sure I can see
that’s not healthy
not a relationship
but this bitch
she’s got hips
It’s makin me sick
I can’t kick
my addiction to her lips

no one can compare
I just want her there
in my bed for one more night
it’s always one more night
I need just one more night

For the last 5 years
I know it brought her tears
had all kinds of fears
that’s all I desired
to be inside her
and she was right
bitch was tight
and try as I might
be a better man
and understand
my addiction
I couldn’t put myself on restriction
Now I’m just wishin
for one more night

I’ve been writing a lot lately to get some of my thoughts straight around my ex-girlfriend. The night she said my friend killed himself because of me was littered with half a dozen other insults she flung at me… Insults that her mother apologized for, but she never did.

Writing rhymes helps me think things through. It takes a lot of exploration of emotion to make two lines rhyme with a rhythm that flows. I have gone through a myriad of emotional states, from hating her to having nothing but compassion for her. Most of the rhymes I’ve written so far have been brutal towards her. This is the first one I feel hasn’t been so brutal…

You are a wicked bitch
Twisted and sick
Took a shit
on my life
Gave me nothing but strife
from day one
you were coming undone
But I didn’t see it
Or maybe I couldn’t conceive it

People on the outside
couldn’t perceive it, you’d outwise
the world into thinking you were someone you aren’t
You lived your whole life as a lie
And I guess that’s why
it was so easy to say goodbye

Five years and you take two weeks
I wonder why I wasted my time
why I stood in line
thinking with this heart of mine
that one day we’d be sublime
drinking corona and lime
on a sandy beach on our honeymoon
I thought that day would come soon
but I’m just a bafoon

And I made mistakes
Five long years, there’s no debate
I’m not perfect
I don’t project that on my surface
but to call me worthless
Tell me that I don’t deserve this
life that I have
the friends that I have
you just want to drag
me down to your bottom, it’s sad
but I’m giving up on being mad

I’ve stopped calling you a cunt
I’m off the hunt
for wicked words to hurt you
to sting you
and bring you
to your knees
beg and plead
bitch please
just leave
and don’t deceive
the next guy
fill him with your lies

And I’m moving passed it
my heart, you gassed it
never felt so tattered and torn
but there’s no reason to morn
losing you is a blessing
so the anger I’m addressing
and still I find myself regressing
from time to time
I wish you nothing but the worst
Feel my hurt
I want you to feel what I’m feeling
the pain’s got me reeling

I can pretend like you were an addiction
Something I just had an itchin
for and was wishin
for more and more
Another knock on my door
tonight or tomorrow
but instead I feel the sorrow
The sorrow of losing someone I loved
Someone I held above
anyone else in my life
Someone I thought would someday be my wife
5 years, and now I just drive
down this lonely road, thinking I might wipe
out and crash and burn
There’s stripes for me to earn
lives lessons can be hard to learn