Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Without Fail…

I came up with a theory awhile back that any relationship I have ends within 3 months of going on a vacation. This is based upon years of empirical evidence and several breakups. It’s not like the Super Bowl winner prediction of the stock market or Presidential election… This is 100% accurate. It always ends within 3 months.

Now, I have come to another conclusion based upon further empirical evidence: my relationships end within 3 months of acquiring a domestic animal. Now, I haven’t encountered this too much, but I do have three dogs (so that tells you something :-P)

The latest relationship ended nearly 3 months to the date from the time of our first (and only) vacation. It ended within a couple of months of getting her a kitten. The relationship before that ended within 3 months of our first (of only two) vacation, and it ended within 2 months of getting the world’s worst dog!

So, I think I have it figured out for how to not waste another 1.5 years of my life… After 3 months, I’ll have to go on vacation and get a pet! Any ladies interested in Peru and a Llama???

Choosy people have checklists for everything, especially when it comes to their partners. At one point in my life my checklist made it onto an Excel spreadsheet (which I have since “lost”). I designed it so that I wouldn’t compromise on my choices in women. Some would have called it picky. I like to think of it as keeping me grounded.

It was separated into physical attributes, personality traits, and sexual attributes. No, physical and sexual attributes are not the same. Sexual attributes are a hybrid of physical and personality. So, I had to keep them separate. This was important because certain physical attributes aren’t anywhere near as important as certain personality traits. Each attribute also had an importance factor for it.

Yes, this spreadsheet might sound like it was getting a bit complex and neurotic. It was an exercise in both my Excel formulas skills and my pickiness. It was drummed up after a relationship that left me thinking: WTF was I thinking???

Items would include the norms: eye color and shape, hair color and length… dear God the teeth!!! Let’s not forget the need for their not to be a snaggle tooth!!!

I’ll digress for a moment…

Years back I was going on a date with a woman who I had seen pictures of. You gotta love online dating. It’s like shopping through a catalog. She was a great looking woman. Long black hair, beautiful eyes, sweet face… I setup the date to meet at Dakota’s Steakhouse (when it was upon on the hill in Simi Valley – yes, this was a long time ago). As I was walking up to her, I did the usual undress her with my eyes… I mean, checked her out. She had a beautiful body. She was much more beautiful in person. She smiled, and she had a cute smile… until I got closer! She had Bug Bunny teeth!!!

This isn’t quite the same as a snaggle tooth, but the effect was the same… I tried to erase it from my memory. I tried to eat dinner without thinking about her eating carrots. I tried not to be charming and make her smile, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. She smiled a lot during that dinner… I kept telling myself that perhaps I could just seek therapy regarding my irrational fear about women with Bugs Bunny teeth! For all intents and purposes, she was the perfect woman! I kept thinking that she had a very solid head on her shoulders (that thought was followed immediately by, “She’d have to in order to keep those teeth in tact”). It was horrible! I just couldn’t get passed it 😦

The date was going really well! She told me she really wanted to go back to my place and meet my dogs. I thought my dogs might chase after her because they’d mistake her for a rabbit! It was very difficult. Here I was with the perfect woman wondering if there was some way that I could find an emergency dentist to file down her Bug Bunny teeth. Besides the Bugs Bunny teeth, I hadn’t found any other flaw. She was a near-perfect woman, so I said yes to going back to my place.

Now, I should pause her for a second… This was years ago that I had this issue with Bugs Bunny teeth. I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of humans with rabbit feet, just like I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of people with over-sized heads!

At this point in my life, I had never had a woman back to my place on the first date. No one night stands or even one night stands that you turn into a relationship just so you don’t feel guilty about having a one night stand. With this girl, I’d picture it in my head and then see a rabbit hopping through the forest. Little Bunny Foo Foo kept ruining this dream girl…

She got to meet my dogs. They liked her, she liked them. We were chatting about all sorts of topics and having a great time. I tried to no avail to keep the thoughts of her Bug Bunny teeth out of my mind. I’d say something witty or charming, and she’d smile. Now, mind you, her smile was beautiful from the lips perspective. Didn’t show any gums, nice corners that curled up when she smiled. Full bottom lip. The corners of her eyes would curl up slightly when she smiled really big… And when she smiled big, it was big… Big Bugs Bunny teeth!!!

I couldn’t make it beyond the teeth!

Needless to say, Bunnygirl and I parted ways that evening with no more than a hug goodnight and “No Bugs Bunny teeth” was a very important physical attribute that made it onto my list.

Getting back to the spreadsheet…

Over the years other important attributes made it onto the spreadsheet: not being on mental medication, career-focused, ability to balance a checkbook, and dozens more. I kept the spreadsheet updated with new attributes and new women. It made the evaluation process really simple. If I was able to fill out a new prospect’s column on the spreadsheet after a couple of dates and she didn’t score about a certain amount, it was time to call it off. It was a very pragmatic process which lead to a couple of years of being single.

Then I realized something very important! I thought the scoring provided me with an objective perspective about any given woman so that I wouldn’t “fall” for someone who wasn’t ideal. In a way it had. It also made sure that I wasn’t ideal for anyone else. For someone to try to live up to such massive scrutiny was impossible (except for the Bug Bunny girl who retroactively scored perfect except for the whole teeth thing)! So, I deleted the spreadsheet and moved on with my life. Two weeks later a woman who would have scored perfectly on the spreadsheet showed up in my life. No Bug Bunny teeth either!

When that relationship failed, I couldn’t help but chuckle about how ridiculous my spreadsheet was. In the end, the “perfect” woman wasn’t for me. It’s kinda like a football team that’s good on paper but still loses the championship game…

It’s pretty simply why I don’t have a girlfriend: I don’t date girls, only women and ladies. Girls are for boys in their teens and early 20s. That’s not me. I tried having a girlfriend or two when I was in my late 20s and early 30s, but it just wasn’t much of a good match. Sure, the gender is the same for a girl, woman, and lady. However, there is a noticeable difference when you have a special lady vs a girlfriend.

Now, Urban Dictionary has incorrectly defined Special Lady Friend as:

A person whom you are dating exclusively, but who has not yet been elevated to “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” status

However, this definition is definitely way off the mark. One need only observe the words of “The Dude” to understand the true meaning of a Special Lady Friend. When The Dude confronts Da Fino about following him, The Dude tells Da Fino to “stay away from my fucking lady friend.” Da Fino responsed to The Dude by stating that he’s “not messing with your Special Lady”. To which The Dude responds, “She’s not my special lady, she’s my fucking lady friend.”

It’s pretty clear from His Dudeness that Special Lady certainly refers to something much more than someone you are dating exclusively but not elevated to “girlfriend” status. A Special Lady is something a whole lot more. In fact, you can help a lady friend (sound similar to girlfriend) conceive and she still isn’t on the same level as a Special Lady.

That’s a bit of a digression on my part, but the point I’m trying to make is that I’ll take a Lady/Woman over a girl any day. I guess that’s why I like my women older

I’m not getting any younger, and it seems that neither are the women that I find attractive. I remember having crushes on teachers when I was a kid, but who doesn’t have a crush on a teacher?

My fascination with older women continues with me today. When I was in my early 20s, I found women in their late 20s and early 30s attractive. There was just something naturally attractive about them. As I started off my 30s, I figured that maybe I’d find myself being like many of the men I know who are attracted to and chasing 21-year-old women. That hasn’t been the case.

I’ve certainly dated younger than me since I’ve crossed over the 30 line, but that is mostly because women my age and older have already gotten married and/or had kids. The younger women have been great women for sure, but I certainly find myself much more physically attracted to a woman in her late 20s and older than I do a 21-year-old. I have friends who only pursue women in their early 20s. I just can’t get into it like them.

I like my women a little more mature, but it isn’t just a mental thing. I find a well maintained woman in her 30s to be incredibly attractive, more so than an equally maintained woman in her early 20s. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I find a well aged woman so much more attractive.

I hear all kinds of stories about people “knowing” when they meet “the one”. I’ve blogged and tweeted my fingers off about “the one”. To sum it up: I’ve met “the one”… at least half a dozen times 😛

But what happens when you really do meet “the one”? Butterflies? Dizzy feeling? Loss for words? I suppose. Or that could be the result of a massive rage of hormones that suddenly confuse the brain, sending signals to the rest of your body that the rest of your body just doesn’t quite understand what to do. I’m not buying the generally accepted symptoms of meeting “the one”. At least, not for me…

Of course, as I type that last sentence, I think back to my three dogs. I knew each of my three dogs would be mine the very moment that I saw them. The Lab, as much as I don’t want to admit it, was really cute. She was the world’s worst puppy until I got the Weimaraner. Actually, I take that back… The Weimaraner is the greatest dog to ever exist! Super loyal, easily trainable, and goofy as you could ever want in a dog. The Aussie Shepard though… I knew the second I saw her that I was going to get suckered into taking her home. She is a horrible puppy. Easily twice as destructive as the Lab. And by horrible, I mean she’s just about the most adorable, loving puppy to eat an entire sofa!

What does any of that have to do with “the one”? More importantly, what does any of this have to do with the title for this blog???

One thing I’ve noticed is that when things are going my way, I’m having a rough day at the office, or something just isn’t quite going how I expected it (got blindsided by something), I lean on my companions: mostly my dogs. I have friends and family I’ll talk to about the stuff that isn’t bothering me to clear my head. If it’s really getting to me, I’ll talk with said friends and family about what’s going on to get myself clear. It works wonders! But often times I can clear myself pretty easily just by sitting in my backyard with my dogs, playing ball. That’s when things are going not so great.

When things are great, my dogs see me much less. I spend more time out of my house. I spend more time traveling, going out, with other people, other dogs… My dogs get much less of my time. So, this got me thinking about my intimate relationships. I see a very similar pattern in my level of attraction to someone I’m dating. When things aren’t going as well, I usually think about the woman I’m dating a bit more to help distract myself from what is troubling me. It’s another form of clearing for me, and it leads to finding myself more attracted to that person if they are indeed someone who provides that clearing for me when I’ve got something that’s troubling me. I have dated women who don’t provide that clearing. They weren’t that distraction that I needed. Those relationships rarely lasted much more than 6-9 months.

So, I’ve stated thinking about how much I’m truly attracted to a woman based upon how much I want to be around her when things are going great. I looked back on the last several relationships and found an interesting trend: when things are going great, I find myself much less attracted to most of the women I have dated. And I noticed something even more interesting. For the couple of women who weren’t ones I would really want to spend time with to help clear my head, I found myself wanting to spend less and less time with them when things weren’t going so well and even less time with them when things were going great! So, it leaves me with this question: Do I want her when things are great???

I’ve known a few gold diggers in my day. I even know a few women who have tried dating men with a lot of money just because they could and wanted to see if it really was any better than dating an average income guy. However, this isn’t what I’m talking about in this blog.

This is also a little different from a woman who supports her man’s ambitions. This is a woman who is genuinely turned on when she talks to her husband about the business deal he’s been working so hard to close or even the promotion he’s been vying for. This is about a woman who appreciates a man who is driven, and man who wants more and more in his short life. I believe that a truly successful man should want to date and/or marry a woman who is attracted to his success.

I should note that success does not require one to have a six figure income. Success is quite relative. A man may not have a high income, but he can still be successful. There are job careers that just don’t pay as high as others. That doesn’t make a CEO of a multi-billion dollar company more successful than the manager or owner of a local business. Unless the local business owner really wants to be the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company. The local business owner can be quite successful just with his local business, and he is best off with a woman who is turned on by his local business success. When he comes home from a long day at the office or shop, she’ll be turned on by the fact that he’s succeeding locally.

I know women like this as well. I know some women who aren’t like this at all. They don’t mind dating a successful guy, but it doesn’t turn them on. They’ll say things like “he could wear jeans and a t-shirt as long as he treats me well”. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, but I’m heading for the hills when I hear a woman say that about me! To me, it is such a turnoff when a woman says something like that. I’d like to consider myself driven. Most people who know me would agree. It is such a part of the very fiber of my being that I’m very attracted to a woman who is turned on by my drive for success and completely turned off by a woman who is indifferent about it.

Don’t get me wrong. They are still great women. Those who I’ve dated in the past who were not attracted to success are wonderful women who would be a great catch… for someone else.

It’s happened to us all. We start dating someone and all of a sudden people of previous interest start showing up all over the place. Then there’s the onslaught of new takers… Is it the way we dress? Is it our swagger that draws in the attention? Is it the fact that we appear more confident because we know we have someone special in our life? Or perhaps it is a cosmic joke to test to see how good we are at keeping our pants on and our lips to ourselves.

I don’t really know the answers to any of the questions above, but I do know one thing… Men react completely different to finding out a woman is with someone than women do. Take for example, hypothetical girlfriend Sally. She starts dating Harry and then goes out for a girl’s night with her friends. They happen to bump into guys who are out for a bachelor party (we all know what happens at bachelor parties!) The guys ask Sally if she’s seeing anyone… As soon as she says yes, they guys note that on the account and move on. They aren’t going to piss on that branch, if you know what I mean.

Harry goes out with the guys to some club. Guys night out. They bump into a bachelorette party (much more scandalous than bachelor parties, lemme tell ya!) As soon as the girls find out Harry is seeing someone it’s over. By over, I mean it’s over in a bad way. The girls are going to ask him questions like how long they’ve been dating. Apparently, if they haven’t been dating more than a certain number of months then it’s like he’s not dating anyone at all.

Few guys will pursue a woman he knows is with someone else, even if he knows they’ve only been dating for awhile. Any guy that does is a total piece of scum, so women can be forewarned. Don’t get upset when the guy turns out to be an utter douche. If he’s willing to screw over his own gender, he’s not worth your time.

You hear it all the time. “Men enjoy the chase more than…”

I mostly hear it from women as an explanation for why they should not give it up too soon in a relationship. I can’t imagine this was started by a man, but I have also heard men say it. Perhaps it is used as an explanation for why when we men are younger we jump from girl to girl. Or perhaps I did enjoy the chase when I was younger because I felt like I had to prove something about myself as a man.

The reality is that evolved men could care less about the chase. In fact, if we have to chase after a woman, we’re not going to remain interested very long. Evolved men are into women that are into us. If she’s interested, she should reciprocate our interest appropriately. I’m not talking about just getting laid, of course (that’s for a whole different topic).

When we are younger, men feel like we need to put forth our best image and prove that we are a good catch. We eventually get to a point where there is nothing we need to prove about being in a relationship. For me, every mistake there is to make in a relationship, I’ve already made it. Every stupid thing there is to say in a relationship, I’ve said it. I’ve learned each time, and I have grown.

For someone like me, I have a couple of businesses to run, dozens of hobbies (dancing, motorcycles, sailing, triathlons, skydiving, traveling, hiking, etc.) to pursue, an adorable nephew and family to spend time with, dogs that need a lot of exercise, and educational pursuits that all keep me busy and fulfilled. “Chasing” a woman is just going to distract from everything else.

Perhaps I’m getting old, but a woman that fits into who I am and doesn’t need to be chased is extremely attractive. I happen to like the man that I have become, and chasing after someone just doesn’t really make any sense.

When you date the same person for more than 5 years they become part of your life unlike any other. Some of the parts of their life that intertwine with yours become second nature. You do things without thinking about it.

I had this experience the other day when I was booking an international flight. The airline was requesting an emergency contact for the unlikely event that something goes wrong with the flight. Now, I’ve done a lot of traveling over the last few years. I’ve used the same person as my primary contact for many different things over the years.

Earlier this week was the first time I put my mom’s name and contact information for my emergency contact in about four years. I actually started filling out my ex’s information without even thinking about it. It’s just second nature; I’ve filled it out so many times. There was a certain sense of finality that came with this experience though.