The Evaluation Process

Choosy people have checklists for everything, especially when it comes to their partners. At one point in my life my checklist made it onto an Excel spreadsheet (which I have since “lost”). I designed it so that I wouldn’t compromise on my choices in women. Some would have called it picky. I like to think of it as keeping me grounded.

It was separated into physical attributes, personality traits, and sexual attributes. No, physical and sexual attributes are not the same. Sexual attributes are a hybrid of physical and personality. So, I had to keep them separate. This was important because certain physical attributes aren’t anywhere near as important as certain personality traits. Each attribute also had an importance factor for it.

Yes, this spreadsheet might sound like it was getting a bit complex and neurotic. It was an exercise in both my Excel formulas skills and my pickiness. It was drummed up after a relationship that left me thinking: WTF was I thinking???

Items would include the norms: eye color and shape, hair color and length… dear God the teeth!!! Let’s not forget the need for their not to be a snaggle tooth!!!

I’ll digress for a moment…

Years back I was going on a date with a woman who I had seen pictures of. You gotta love online dating. It’s like shopping through a catalog. She was a great looking woman. Long black hair, beautiful eyes, sweet face… I setup the date to meet at Dakota’s Steakhouse (when it was upon on the hill in Simi Valley – yes, this was a long time ago). As I was walking up to her, I did the usual undress her with my eyes… I mean, checked her out. She had a beautiful body. She was much more beautiful in person. She smiled, and she had a cute smile… until I got closer! She had Bug Bunny teeth!!!

This isn’t quite the same as a snaggle tooth, but the effect was the same… I tried to erase it from my memory. I tried to eat dinner without thinking about her eating carrots. I tried not to be charming and make her smile, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. She smiled a lot during that dinner… I kept telling myself that perhaps I could just seek therapy regarding my irrational fear about women with Bugs Bunny teeth! For all intents and purposes, she was the perfect woman! I kept thinking that she had a very solid head on her shoulders (that thought was followed immediately by, “She’d have to in order to keep those teeth in tact”). It was horrible! I just couldn’t get passed it 😦

The date was going really well! She told me she really wanted to go back to my place and meet my dogs. I thought my dogs might chase after her because they’d mistake her for a rabbit! It was very difficult. Here I was with the perfect woman wondering if there was some way that I could find an emergency dentist to file down her Bug Bunny teeth. Besides the Bugs Bunny teeth, I hadn’t found any other flaw. She was a near-perfect woman, so I said yes to going back to my place.

Now, I should pause her for a second… This was years ago that I had this issue with Bugs Bunny teeth. I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of humans with rabbit feet, just like I haven’t gotten over my irrational fear of people with over-sized heads!

At this point in my life, I had never had a woman back to my place on the first date. No one night stands or even one night stands that you turn into a relationship just so you don’t feel guilty about having a one night stand. With this girl, I’d picture it in my head and then see a rabbit hopping through the forest. Little Bunny Foo Foo kept ruining this dream girl…

She got to meet my dogs. They liked her, she liked them. We were chatting about all sorts of topics and having a great time. I tried to no avail to keep the thoughts of her Bug Bunny teeth out of my mind. I’d say something witty or charming, and she’d smile. Now, mind you, her smile was beautiful from the lips perspective. Didn’t show any gums, nice corners that curled up when she smiled. Full bottom lip. The corners of her eyes would curl up slightly when she smiled really big… And when she smiled big, it was big… Big Bugs Bunny teeth!!!

I couldn’t make it beyond the teeth!

Needless to say, Bunnygirl and I parted ways that evening with no more than a hug goodnight and “No Bugs Bunny teeth” was a very important physical attribute that made it onto my list.

Getting back to the spreadsheet…

Over the years other important attributes made it onto the spreadsheet: not being on mental medication, career-focused, ability to balance a checkbook, and dozens more. I kept the spreadsheet updated with new attributes and new women. It made the evaluation process really simple. If I was able to fill out a new prospect’s column on the spreadsheet after a couple of dates and she didn’t score about a certain amount, it was time to call it off. It was a very pragmatic process which lead to a couple of years of being single.

Then I realized something very important! I thought the scoring provided me with an objective perspective about any given woman so that I wouldn’t “fall” for someone who wasn’t ideal. In a way it had. It also made sure that I wasn’t ideal for anyone else. For someone to try to live up to such massive scrutiny was impossible (except for the Bug Bunny girl who retroactively scored perfect except for the whole teeth thing)! So, I deleted the spreadsheet and moved on with my life. Two weeks later a woman who would have scored perfectly on the spreadsheet showed up in my life. No Bug Bunny teeth either!

When that relationship failed, I couldn’t help but chuckle about how ridiculous my spreadsheet was. In the end, the “perfect” woman wasn’t for me. It’s kinda like a football team that’s good on paper but still loses the championship game…

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