I’m Over It

Perhaps the best thing to ever happen to me in my life was to have my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, and stomped on by my last girlfriend of more than five years. It was a relationship with perhaps the most jealous woman I have ever known who never excepted me for who I am and wouldn’t believe in who I want to become. It was a relationship where I wanted to believe so much in the way she wanted me to relate to her. I loved her through more than she will even acknowledge me for, and that is ok. I would rather have loved her as much as I did and have my heart torn out than pretend she meant nothing to me.

I wrote a poem about her awhile back when everything was fresh in my mind and posted it on my blog here. The following is another poem I wrote during the height of my hate for her. Now, I’m over it.

Kiss my ass goodbye
If you die
I won’t cry
Nothing but hate inside
for your bullshit lies
your fake disguise

If I had to choose
between your funeral
or picking up my dogs’ shit
I’d miss your burial
not even put it on my to do list

To everyone else
you are the sweetest
but with me you were a terrorist

Like I was addicted to you
like a drug, sniffing glue
the whole time I knew
there’s one thing I should do
put on my shoes
and walk out on you

But I believed in something else
It wasn’t about myself
I felt
I was dealt
a gift, a treasure
it was always my pleasure
but there was no way for me to measure
up to your standard
Instead I’d just stand there
wondering what had just hit me
you walked out and didn’t even miss me
fuck that, you even dissed me

Telling me I didn’t deserve even one friend
Best friend met his end
cuz I suck
and didn’t give a fuck
Can’t run through that list
you said some fucked up shit

That night you killed me
I’m dead to you
I’ll never head to you
lay in your bed with you
instead to you
I’m a ghost
the host with the most
hate for you
I’ll grate on you
You’ll feel my hate for you
I’ll never mistake you
for someone I love
But I’ll rub
my disgust for you
write it on a transit bus for you
Let the whole world know my mistrust for you

I hate you like I loved you for years
There aren’t even tears
when I think about you
all I do is doubt you
I wonder if the last five years was even real
How did I get myself into this whole ordeal?
How can a bitch puke her whole life on me
and then just leave
There’s no reprieve
I’ve got nothing up my sleeve
to deal with your toxic waste
I can’t get the taste
of your bitter lips out of my mouth

I know I won’t hate you forever
I just need to go on this endeavor
and know what it feels like to hate you for a while
I’m sure one day I will smile
looking back on the five years we had
and be glad
that that I’m no longer mad
I’ll think fond of you
stop thinking wrong of you
maybe even write a love song of you
but until then I just want to hate you

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