Opportunity Knocks My Head

I’ve got an Easy Button on my desk at work, and I think I might just need to upgrade soon:

They even have something to help make sure people can avoid your gassidents (gas accidents):

I was sitting there watching Fox News the other day. They had the Republican candidates on, discussing various political issues. It was the first time I had really spent paying any attention to presidential politics so far this campaign. As I’m watching Mitt Romney, there is an unsettling feeling starting to well up in my stomach.
It [...]

In a stark blow to the Holy Roman Catholic Church, experts in Internet technology have concluded that the World is not the center of the World Wide Web. In fact, scientists now suggest that Sun is the center of the Internet! Experts were also quick to announce that MySQL was not going to hire Bill [...]

The city of Miami has thrown it’s support towards Tuna with Dolphin starting the 19th of December. Just before the most horrible fishing season in Miami history ends, local fisherman Wayne Huizenga finds himself catching the biggest tuna of all. “Let the feast begin,” said Huizenga after nabbing The Tuna.
Many environmetalists are outraged that the [...]

Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball would remain a illegitimate sport by rewarding steroid users with trophies titles and records. He stated that unlike other professional sports that strip athletes of their wins and records even years after they accomplished them, Major League Baseball would not join the realm of legitimate sports. [...]

Fearing riots from upset Raiders fans after the Oakland Raiders lost to the San Diego Chargers 28-14, California Governator Ahnuld Schwarzenegger declared a “State of Emergency” on Sunday. Well known for burning cars, smashing windows, and steeling booty, Raiders fans were closely watched from San Diego to Northern California.
Los Angeles was a particular location of [...]

After suffering from a near NFL record of 12 sacks in a single game, the State of Pennsylvania forced Donovan McNabb of the Philadelphia Eagles to change his name to Mr. Potato. “I’ve only had to worry about my own sack. I can only imagine what it would be like to have to worry about [...]